I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
