Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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