she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
