how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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