is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
