i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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