then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
