Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
