Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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