Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
