I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
