i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
