so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
