Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I still have a little drunk in my system
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
