this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
