My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
