one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
