last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
i think i just lost a toe
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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