based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
