We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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