i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
