I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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