I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
