Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
