There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
