Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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