It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
