mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
