I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
