I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
