My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
