I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
