Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
