Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
