i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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