brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
a search helicopter?!
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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