She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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