Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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