I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
