The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
