i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
