I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
