look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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