my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Randomize
