Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize