So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
