Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
