Quick, to the slutcave!
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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