How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
