Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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