I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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