I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
