mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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