i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
