The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
