A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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