I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
