I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
