i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
