I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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