I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
