You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
