She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
