Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
