so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
