Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm like, not good at living.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
