Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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