I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Someone came in the potted fern
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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