Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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