He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
