You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
